Many of us watched the college bribery scandal unfold last week as a kind of nationally televised master class in how not to parent a teenager. But even many well-intentioned parents fall into some of the same patterns as the wealthy parents charged in the case: removing obstacles to ensure that their children don’t have to deal with frustrations or failures, in a style known as snowplow parenting.
The trouble is that learning to handle failure is healthy for kids, and helps them grow into competent young adults. If you shield them from every problem now, they’ll be ill-equipped to face bigger challenges down the road.
Here are some ways to help raise a self-sufficient child.
When your child has a problem — say, an unkind friend — resist the urge to dole out advice. Take a moment instead to name and respect your child’s feelings. Responses like “It sounds like you’re really angry, and I can see why” give your children confidence in their version of events. When kids have faith that their feelings matter, they have the raw material they need to advocate for themselves and solve their own problems.
In infancy, our children make wordless sounds, and we parents tend to babble right back. In this exchange, Dr. Daniel Siegel and Mary Hartzell write in “Parenting From the Inside Out,” a dialogue is begun which says to the baby, “I see you and I’m listening to you, and I’ll give back to you a reflection of yourself that is valued so you can see and value yourself, too. I like you just the way you are.”
As children grow, those whose parents take their feelings seriously and reflect them back will feel justified in acting on them.
After you empathize, ask your child, “What do you want to do about this?” It’s not unusual for a child to answer, “I don’t know!” Don’t give up.
Once your child lands on at least one idea — “I could tell a teacher?” — work on imagining what might happen after that. In this exchange, you can encourage him or her to brainstorm multiple strategies and outcomes for a problem. A jolt of confidence kicks in.
This is the core of resilience: the ability to generate options in the face of a stressful challenge, anticipate consequences before we face them, and make the most practical, efficient choice.
You know you’ve mastered this maneuver when, each time your children approach you with a problem, they say, “I know, I know, what do I want to do about it?” What if your child wants to do nothing? That’s O.K., sometimes “nothing” is a strategy, too.
If your children are constantly asking for help, teach them what productive support seeking looks like by refusing to indulge their every request. When they want help, ask yourself: Are they capable of figuring this out on their own? Will my help support learning and growth? What lessons might struggling teach? Can I identify one small step they can take on their own that will be stressful but not overwhelming?
If your child tends to suffer in silence, consider whether you’ve modeled similar bootstrapping behavior. Try being more transparent about your own vulnerability or times when you have asked a friend or a colleague for something. Let your children know that asking for help when you need it is an act of self-respect.
When your children ask if they have done a household chore correctly, respond with another question. Ask: “What do you think? Is the bed made properly? Does the dog’s water dish look clean to you? Is the floor clean enough?”
This question cultivates judgment, or authority in decision-making. When your child grows up, she will regularly face situations where she will have to take a stand and decide for herself (“Is this the best essay I can write? Is this party safe for me?”). Practice in using her judgment muscle early on will prepare her to weigh in on the bigger decisions down the road.
From the moment they are born, our kids study our faces for signs that the world is safe or scary. When they learn to walk, teetering and tumbling to the ground, the first thing they do is look up at us. If we gasp or panic, they do, too. If we react with a mix of empathy and encouragement, they keep going.
Our children never stop scanning our faces for direction on how upset to get, whether they’re bringing home a bad grade or facing a college rejection. That’s why I coach parents to ask themselves a single question when they are faced with an upset child and feel anxiety begin to tighten its grip: How would I parent if I were not afraid? That is, if you knew that despite whatever was happening with your children, they would turn out just fine, what would you say and do differently in this moment?
The question lets us pull back from the catastrophic thinking that often makes us say and do things we later regret, and makes room for openness and optimism. Once we are calm, we can stay in the moment with our children instead of being hijacked by our own fear.
Instead of worrying so much about setting our children up to succeed, what if we spent at least as much time setting them up to fail? The lesson of the college admission scandal is not only to stop shielding our kids from every challenge. It’s that in attempting to protect them from any harm, we may turn out to be the ones harming them most of all.
Rachel Simmons is co-founder of Girls Leadership and the author of “Enough As She Is: How to Help Girls Move Past Impossible Standards of Success to Live Healthy, Happy, and Fulfilling Lives.”
164期玄机图舒兰粮库【刘】【闯】【转】【头】，【看】【见】【的】【就】【是】【自】【己】【被】【包】【围】【了】，【三】【角】【体】【合】【力】【为】【刘】【闯】【创】【造】【了】【一】【个】【小】【空】【间】。 【刘】【闯】【在】【小】【空】【间】【里】【面】【到】【处】【看】，【可】【是】【什】【么】【都】【看】【不】【到】，【只】【能】【看】【见】【一】【片】【黑】【暗】。 【刘】【闯】【对】【着】【这】【片】【空】【间】【挥】【出】【了】**，【可】【是】【没】【什】【么】【用】。 【就】【在】【刘】【闯】【感】【觉】【没】【什】【么】【的】【时】【候】，【空】【间】【出】【现】【了】【道】【道】【波】【纹】，【一】【会】【是】【火】【出】【现】，【一】【会】【是】【浪】【潮】，【一】【会】【是】【闪】【电】。 【刘】【闯】
【内】【阁】【有】【权】【力】【驳】【回】【皇】【帝】【的】【命】【令】，【更】【别】【提】【皇】【太】【孙】【了】！ 【皇】【太】【孙】【顿】【时】【怒】【瞪】【着】【燕】【锦】，【好】！【好】！【好】【一】【个】【燕】【锦】【啊】！ 【这】【一】【刻】，【皇】【太】【孙】【的】【心】【里】【涌】【起】【浓】【浓】【的】【杀】【机】，【真】【的】【想】【将】【燕】【锦】【给】【杀】【了】！ 【赵】【王】【世】【子】【见】【情】【况】【不】【对】【头】，【忙】【打】【圆】【场】，“【不】【就】【是】【一】【个】【小】【小】【的】【翰】【林】【院】【小】【官】，【何】【必】【如】【此】【剑】【拔】【弩】【张】【的】。【其】【实】【太】【孙】【的】【话】【也】【是】【有】【些】【道】【理】【的】。【不】【过】【案】【唐】【探】
【顾】【司】【若】【已】【经】【习】【惯】【了】【他】【爱】【吹】【牛】，【不】【过】【也】【不】【影】【响】【他】【有】【其】【他】【的】【优】【点】。 【这】【世】【上】【的】【人】【不】【可】【能】【十】【全】【十】【美】，【只】【要】【三】【观】【正】【确】【就】【行】【了】。 “【我】【们】【两】【个】【人】【结】【婚】【吧】？【我】【会】【一】【心】【一】【意】【对】【你】【的】，【绝】【不】【让】【你】【委】【屈】，【你】【就】【是】【我】【这】【辈】【子】【唯】【一】【的】【女】【人】。”【墨】【染】【的】【眼】【神】【痴】【心】【不】【已】。 “【吃】【饭】【的】【时】【候】【不】【要】【开】【玩】【笑】。”【她】【差】【点】【卡】【了】【喉】【咙】。 “【亲】【爱】【的】【小】【仙】【女】
“【我】【白】【荩】【学】【院】【能】【招】【到】【如】【此】【天】【赋】【异】【禀】【的】【人】【才】，【老】【夫】【我】【上】【辈】【子】【积】【了】【阴】【德】！”【一】【位】【胡】【子】【雪】【白】【的】【老】【人】【笑】【道】，【他】【看】【着】【白】【诡】，【心】【底】【更】【喜】【欢】【她】【了】。 【白】【诡】【在】【来】【白】【荩】【学】【院】【的】【第】【一】【天】，【玉】【佩】【已】【经】【是】【蓝】【色】【的】【了】。 【虽】【然】【她】【天】【赋】【高】，【院】【长】【视】【她】【为】【心】【头】【肉】，【可】【尽】【管】【如】【此】，【也】【改】【不】【了】【她】【爱】【闹】【腾】【的】【性】【子】。 【所】【有】【人】【都】【没】【有】【想】【到】，【她】【竟】【然】【会】【打】【翻】【胡】【长】164期玄机图舒兰粮库12【月】26【日】，【随】【着】【其】【他】【各】【大】【联】【赛】【冬】【歇】【期】【的】【到】【来】，【英】【格】【兰】【超】【级】【联】【赛】【作】【为】【唯】【一】【一】【个】【没】【有】【冬】【歇】【期】【的】【五】【大】【联】【赛】【之】【一】，【让】【所】【有】【球】【迷】【的】【目】【光】【都】【聚】【集】【在】【这】【里】。 【虽】【然】【英】【格】【兰】【超】【级】【联】【赛】【没】【有】【冬】【歇】【期】【这】【一】【点】【一】【直】【都】【非】【常】【被】【人】【所】【诟】【病】，【尤】【其】【是】【受】【到】【了】【无】【数】【英】【格】【兰】【球】【队】【的】【抨】【击】，【认】【为】【这】【样】【大】【大】【增】【加】【了】【球】【员】【伤】【病】【的】【风】【险】，【但】【不】【得】【不】【说】，【这】【样】【独】【有】
【秘】【法】【是】【否】【是】【为】【真】，【不】【的】【而】【知】，【只】【是】【那】【老】【太】【太】，【着】【实】【要】【比】【同】【年】【人】【年】【青】。 【前】【方】【的】【地】【道】【愈】【来】【愈】【黑】【黯】，【二】【人】【相】【互】【搀】【扶】，【深】【一】【脚】【浅】【一】【脚】【地】【向】【前】【摸】【索】。 【一】【道】【没】【意】【外】，【待】【寻】【到】【出】【口】，【天】【已】【然】【完】【全】【地】【黑】【啦】。 【黑】【衣】【人】【仅】【讲】【了】【一】【句】，【转】【身】【带】【道】。 【郑】【月】【季】【惊】【疑】【不】【定】，【寻】【思】【到】【跟】【小】【樱】【桃】【的】【计】【划】【打】【算】，【时】【候】【着】【实】【方】【才】【好】，【对】【边】【也】【是】【没】
【薄】【司】【擎】【终】【于】【认】【真】【看】【了】【眼】【前】【的】【女】【生】【一】【眼】。 【女】【生】【大】【概】【也】【就】20【岁】【的】【样】【子】，【头】【发】【烫】【成】【大】【卷】，【戴】【着】【一】【个】【宽】【宽】【的】【发】【卡】，【脸】【上】【带】【着】【妆】【容】，【唇】【色】【鲜】【亮】，【身】【上】【穿】【了】【一】【件】【粉】【色】【羊】【绒】【大】【衣】，【脚】【上】【是】【一】【双】【马】【丁】【靴】，【手】【里】【还】【拎】【了】【一】【个】LV【的】【包】【包】。 【这】【身】【打】【扮】，【让】【薄】【司】【擎】【恍】【惚】【以】【为】【是】【在】【那】【个】【世】【界】。 【但】【也】【就】【只】【是】【晃】【神】【了】【一】【瞬】。 “【你】【想】【起】
“【甘】【心】【吗】？【就】【这】【样】【不】【明】【不】【白】【的】【死】【了】，【妘】【兮】，【想】【知】【道】【为】【什】【么】【吗】？【回】【来】【吧】~【回】【来】【吧】！” 【妘】【兮】【觉】【得】【全】【身】【都】【很】【痛】，【像】【是】【车】【祸】【之】【后】【留】【下】【的】【感】【觉】，【可】【是】【眼】【皮】【却】【很】【沉】【重】，【无】【论】【她】【怎】【么】【用】【力】【都】【无】【法】【睁】【开】【眼】【睛】，【耳】【边】【是】【一】【道】【诡】【异】【的】【声】【音】，【不】【停】【的】【在】【叫】【她】，【要】【不】【是】【不】【能】【开】【口】，【她】【很】【想】【说】：【叫】【什】【么】【叫】，【吵】【死】【了】，【叫】【魂】【吗】？ 【等】【到】【她】【能】【睁】【开】【眼】